What Will I Tell My Kids About Sex?

WARNING: This post contains a frank discussion of human sexuality.  If that makes you uncomfortable, I encourage you skip it.

At the risk of getting personal, sex and shame have gone hand-in-hand my entire life.

This might come as a surprise for some who know me in real life, where I have a tendency to make off-color jokes and casual comments about sex often, but the truth is that my external lightheartedness has always masked an inner discomfort that goes very deep.  I’m not speaking of a discomfort with the “mechanics” of sex itself, but with allowing myself to fully embrace that unspeakable hybrid of humanity and divinity that is my sexuality.

My particular circumstance is a unique mix of family dynamics, cultural influence, personality, chemistry, and, yes, Mormon practice and teaching.  In fairness, family probably had more to do with it than anything.  But lately I’ve been wondering: what if the messages I’d heard about sex at church and at home had been more positive and less shame-based? And now that I have a daughter, I keep asking myself: what will I tell her about sex?

What follows is a first stab at what I hope to teach her.

1. Sex is NOT about orgasms. First, we have to change the paradigm from which we operate.  The world tells us that physical release is the goal of sexual activity — and I believe that as a people, we have unconsciously bought this hook, line, and sinker.  As a result, 99% of our discourse on sex is about who gets to have orgasms when, and how to protect yourself from “unauthorized” orgasms — whether it’s keeping your thoughts clean, your feet on the floor, or your neckline high.   Unfortunately, as long as we allow the world to set our agenda about what sex is really about, we’re screwed (pun totally intended; see here for a more thorough treatment of this concept).

But what if sex ISN’T about orgasm? What if sex is about love and loyalty and creation and companionship — and the pleasure is beside the point, as opposed to the point itself?

It might seem like a subtle shift, but the implications are staggering. When chastity is no longer about how orgasms are or are not attained, but is instead about honoring God by expressing deep, genuine love for a person to whom you have committed your life (and with whom you are open to creating new life), everything changes.  Suddenly we can have conversations about sex that are not based in shame (“that good feeling is a terrible, bad SIN!”), but based in love (“fornication is unloving because it is an expression of mature emotion without a lifetime commitment — and places you at risk for creating new life without a secure place to nurture it”).  And that is a HUGE difference.

2. Sexual sin is no “better” or “worse” than other sins. A study of the scriptures, particularly the New Testament, makes it clear that Jesus was far less concerned with sexual sin than He was with hypocrisy, hatred, and pride.  In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis said it well:

The sins of the flesh are bad, but they are the least bad of all sins.  All the worst pleasures are purely spiritual: … the pleasures of power, and hatred.  For there are two things inside me, competing with the human self which I must try to become.  They are the Animal self, and the Diabolical self.  The Diabolical self is the worse of the two.  That is why a cold, self-righteous prig who goes regularly to church may be far nearer to hell than a prostitute.  But, of course, it is better to be neither.

The idea that sexual sin is a special brand of sin that is “worse” than other sins is perhaps the most damaging message we send about sexuality.  I understand that on a practical level, sexual indiscretions can carry more serious consequences than others — and so we deserve to address the potential consequences frankly and openly — but stacking on reams of shame in addition to the natural consequences is just cruel.  It’s time to eliminate rhetoric that makes normal human experience something to fear.  This does NOT mean condoning irresponsible and unloving sexual behavior, but by dropping the hysteria, we might actually begin to help people choose chastity because they love God, not because they fear His wrath.

3. Masturbation is a personal issue (pun totally NOT intended). Going on 100% of people, male and female, masturbate.  This is as true for Mormons as anyone else.  Therefore, as parents, I think it’s critical that we have a strategy for addressing this issue.

In my opinion, masturbation should not be anywhere near the same discussion as fornication and adultery — they are completely separate categories.  That’s because, unlike fornication and adultery, masturbation neither breaks sacred trust (necessarily), expresses love cavalierly, nor risks creating life where there can be no security for a child.

Now don’t get me wrong: this doesn’t mean that masturbation can’t be damaging.  But I have witnessed the kind of agony and self-loathing that can develop in people’s lives when inappropriate focus is placed on it, and in my estimation, the shame is far more damaging than the act itself could ever be.

So what will I tell my daughter (and potential future sons) about masturbation?  Until they’re adolescent, nothing. Sexual exploration is completely normal in children, and I will not even mention it until they are old enough to understand what’s happening.  At that point, our conversations will revolve around resisting the temptation to objectify or control others sexually; avoiding pornography, which is problematic for more reasons than just masturbation; and then, I’ll tell them not to worry too much about it, because it’s a personal issue, and nobody’s business but theirs.

What about you?  What do you teach your children about sex?  And what other changes do you think could be made to the way our culture approaches the topic in order to reduce sex-related shame, fear, and anxiety, and help people develop more positive relationships with their sexuality?

This post is one in a series.  Get the rest of the series here.